Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
You Might Also Like
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir