Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.