Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

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Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.


This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.


It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.


I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there


Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you


My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.


I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.


Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.