Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
yeet
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.