MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked