MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
What personal space?
My dog
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.