Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video