Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Welcome
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’ve had worse
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..