Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
6. me as a lawyer
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile