*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked