Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*