Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Monday?
No. Next question.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Interior design 👌
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.