Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.