[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?