@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

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@StruggleDisplay

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

@brennadine

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

@Social_Mime

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

@EndhooS

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

@LizHackett

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

@HalliB

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

@jojipaints

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@skittle624

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.