Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us