Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Livid.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life