[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Sorry. Not sorry
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*