man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.