Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon