Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.