[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
i hate you platonically
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Doormats are a gateway rug.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!