man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
(Jupiter –
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I bet
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession