man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is