Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Favourite diary entry ever
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.