Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.