Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?