Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
just make the entire table out of coaster
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.