Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
We need more people like this.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.