Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
You Might Also Like
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?