manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?