This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’
I was that kid’s first beard
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.