Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

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This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics


I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.


Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup


A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard