Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations