Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
what kind of cook setting is this??
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*