@TheHyyyype WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
@FormerHumorist Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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@TheHyyyype 
@PDLComics scares
@badbanana Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
@thepunningman Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
@jngraphs When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
@amore_orless Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
@LizHackett If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
@AndrewChamings ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
@TheHyyyype god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
@LizHackett I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.