Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I put the mess in domestic.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]