Many hands make light work
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.