Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.