Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
You Might Also Like
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
are there any atheist mantises?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”