Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store


The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.


An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze


“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]



the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles


Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball


The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.


As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.