@SCbchbum Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
@EliTerry Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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@SCbchbum 
@House_Feminist 1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
@Lisabug74 The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
@dumbbeezie An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
@Reverend_Scott “I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
@hisamwelch the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
@HotPaperComics Lil Brain – Out of Leads
@RocketRankoon Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
@lovemydogduck The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
@scenesfromahat As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.