Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.