@EliTerry

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

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@SCbchbum

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

@House_Feminist

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

@Lisabug74

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

@dumbbeezie

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

@Reverend_Scott

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

@hisamwelch

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

@RocketRankoon

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

@lovemydogduck

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

@scenesfromahat

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.