Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.