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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.


If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’


My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me


Friend: How’s the wine?
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.


[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no


[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.