@HRTSMRT

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

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@TrueTorontoGirl

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

@campcrunk

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@bewgtweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.