My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.