Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The human personality is made of five key elements
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
