Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun