Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.