Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
🤣🤣🤣
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it