Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
