Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.