Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
There’s always that one guy
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.