Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”