MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
You Might Also Like
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
my one true gender
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks