MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.