Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.