@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

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@Skullcat

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@Playing_Dad

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

@Reverend_Scott

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

@flashember

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?