Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox