Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.