mariah carrie
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Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
sigh
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.