Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
You Might Also Like
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.