marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
✌🏽
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
こいつ天才
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator